Patty, a four-year old girl living in Scunthorpe, has named her teddy bear Jesus. It seems like God is outraged. He told our religious affairs correspondent, in that irritating whiny voice he uses when he’s sulking:

“I’m really offended by this. She didn’t check it out with me first or anything.”

Later reports indicate that Patty is to be publicly flogged, and God is said to have expressed satisfaction.

News flash – following the efforts of Christian peers, the Queen has just announced that Patty is to be freed.

“You guys just don’t get it..” muttered God under his breath.